Draco Malfoy Is Evil And Still Gets The Girl
by starrybutterfly
Summary: After those hectic Hogwarts years, the alumni feel like doing no work at all might be a very good idea. The ministry have a duck problem, everyone's sexuality is questioned, and other mayhem ensues. I suck at summarys, it's funny, I promise! DHr,HG
1. Of Beards, Bathrooms and Lonely Hearts

Title: If someone can give me one, I'll be eternally grateful.

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise is mine.

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: D/Hr (eventually), H/G

Feedback: Please!

A/N: Just ignore the fact that wizards don't use email. Pretend they do! Yay!

* * *

Dear Miss. Granger,

Thank you for joining **'Lonely Hearts Anonymous.'** As requested, your penname shall be **'Curlz.'** A small feature about you shall be made in the next issue of our magazine, and any letters to you shall be owled to us, and we will forward them to you. If you wish to send a letter to someone else, just send it to us with his or her penname on the front. Thank you, and good luck finding your perfect match!

Yours sincerely,

G. Lockhart

Founder of _Lonely Hearts Anonymous_

* * *

To: Herm

From: Ginny

Subject: LHA

Oh my god! You're a member of Lonely Hearts Anonymous? Don't you know having a penname is supposed to keep your identity _secret_, so no one can find out about your shameful membership? Everyone who went to Hogwarts is going to know it's you! Nobody else would say their favourite book is Hogwarts: A History! _Nobody_!

You are so screwed.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: LHA

_You are so screwed._

Thank you for that lovely vote of confidence. And besides, why are you reading LHA, little miss Potter-to-be?

* * *

To: Herm

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: LHA

Ron gets it. Harry and I went to see him this morning.

He's growing a beard-it's awful.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Beard

Was Ginny right? Is my beard awful?

It doesn't really make me look like a shepherd, does it?

* * *

To: Ron

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Beard

It made you look as though you had a mane, and, according to Gin, lion's are last year.

As for the shepherd thing, I have no idea. As Ginny ever _seen_ a shepherd?

* * *

Dear Curlz,

Having read your details in the latest issue of Lonely Hearts Anonymous, I think you must be a simply fascinating person to know.

If you have issue #32 of Lonely Hearts, you will find all my details. My pseudonym is _Coldasice._

Yours,

Cold.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Letter!

I've had a letter already! Clearly _somebody_ at LHA didn't go to Hogwarts. I've attached a scan of it to you.

And a _beard_? Seriously?

* * *

To: Herm

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Letter!

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Most of the alumni from Hogwarts that you know were all sex obsessed. You're probably the only one not getting any these days.

Well, apart from Ron.

Unless it's a Slytherin. They wouldn't know anything about you, and some of them were incredibly ugly (except Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini-they were, like, sex on legs.)

I bet you it's Crabbe or Goyle. Although, the tone of letter says Percy, actually. I mean, 'Having read', 'simply fascinating', '_pseudonym_?' Who talks like that?

And, yes, a beard. Not as long as Dumbledore's yet, but you could probably hide a chicken drumstick in there by now.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: H. Potter

Subject: Ron Weasley

Ron Weasley, who is currently on sick leave (stress from doing _absolutely nothing_, apparently), but used to work as an auror with me, would like me to ask you a question.

For those of you who have seen it: Is his beard weird?

Please send all replies to his email address (this can be found in the Ministry address book), as I have no interest in your opinions myself.

Thank you.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Aaaw!

It is so _sweet _of you to do that for my brother!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Letter

Draco Malfoy? Blaise Zabini? Ginny, I am _shocked_. What will Harry say about these little fantasies?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Letter

Who said they were fantasies?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Aaaw!

Is it?

…Can we discuss my bathroom fantasy now?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: GET ME A RAZOR!

Everyone hates my beard! HELP ME, HARRY!

* * *

Coolasice,

Thanks for your letter. I have to admit, I was a little afraid that I wouldn't get any letters at all, and if I did, that they would be from 60 year old perverts.

I don't really have much else to say. I've never been much of a conversationalist-unless, of course, I'm bossing someone around or teaching them something-so I'm just going to end it here.

I would love to hear from you again.

Curlz

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Aaaw!

NO!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Letter

…You're kidding, right?

If not, then…tell me more.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Aaaw!

Fine. Maybe I'll accidentally forget to buy new handcuffs on the way home…

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Letter

I'm kidding, you dirty thing. Why do you want to know about my sexual encounters, anyway?

Although, speaking of sexual encounters…remember how I was telling you about the handcuff incident? Well, Harry is threatening not to buy any new (stronger) ones! Just because I won't do that _thing _in the bathroom. This is blackmail!

Wait…you don't have any handcuffs, do you?

* * *

From: Hermione

To: Ginny

Subject: Re: Letter

What is the point of someone as sexually deprived as me having handcuffs?

* * *

From: H. Potter

To: Ron

Subject: Re: GET ME A RAZOR!

Ron, calm down. Besides, you have a razor, don't you?

Anyway, I'll come round to yours tonight with one.

* * *

From: Hermione

To: Ginny

Subject!

Shit! Gin, Draco Malfoy just walked into my office. He's wearing _leather trousers_.

Oh, fuck.

* * *

From: Ginny

To: Hermione

Subject: Re!

I would speak to you about your language, but there is a more important issue at hand: WHAT IS DRACO MALFOY DOING IN YOUR OFFICE?

* * *

What is he doing indeed? Will Ginny do the thing in the bathroom? What _is _the thing in the bathroom? Will Ron shave his beard? Find out next time in…this fic that really needs a name! If any one can come up with one, leave it in your review (because you _are _going to review, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?)


	2. Where Draco's yoohoo is mentioned freque

Disclaimer: I still don't own them (

Dedication: **star fantasy 29-**The title for Chapter One-"Beards, Bathrooms, and Lonely Hearts"-was by her. It was meant to be the title for the actual fic, but I'm now sure how much longer beards and bathrooms will feature in the story, but it was fitting for chapter One.

And now, onwards to Chapter Two

* * *

**Chapter Two: Where the size of Draco's yoo-hoo is mentioned frequently.**

From: Ginny

To: Hermione

Subject: WELL!

Why haven't you replied yet? What is Malfoy doing in your office? Is he really in leather pants?

Is his butt as good as I remember it?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: WELL!

Dear. Miss Weasley,

Please refrain from having off-topic conversations with my secretary during work hours, as quite frankly, it is none of your business what I am doing in her office.

And, yes, I am wearing leather pants. However, last I heard you were engaged to Scarhead, so what my butt looks like in them has nothing to do with you.

In my opinion, though, it looks pretty damn good.

Have a nice day.

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Dear Curlz,

Thanks for your last letter. I just started a new job today, and it's really not going well. My boss groped me, and the woman who works under me is a complete-well. You know.

Anyway, I'm going to see a new Muggle film tonight-something about an opera and a man in a mask. It sounds incredibly dull, with people leaping around and singing, but it keeps my mother happy.

Cold.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Handcuffs

You were joking, right? You will get some new ones, won't you?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Handcuffs

We'll see.

You could just think about the bathroom thing. I mean, it's not that dirty. I don't know why you won't do it.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Handcuffs

I've told you: Bathrooms freak me out.

On a completely different subject-do you know why Malfoy is in the ministry? And why he's in Hermione's office?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Handcuffs.

WHAT?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Malfoy

Ugh, Gin, you won't believe what's happened. Claire-my old boss-has decided not to come back to work after her baby, and they've replaced her with _Malfoy_.

My life is over.

He's being a complete prick, as well. He's calling me his _secretary_. I'm the assistant head of muggle relations! (Now a proper department, thanks to your wonderful father!)

Gin, Harry just walked in and he looks mad. Do you know what's up with him?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Your fiancé

Please could you ask your fiancé not to punch me on the nose again, as it is quite painful.

Thank you.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Harry

Harry just punched Malfoy! Oh, it was great, I-

Hold on. Someone's IMing me. Don't they know the minister of magic can read all of our conversations?

* * *

Iamsexy: Granger, are you emailing Weasley again?

Hermy: No.

Iamsexy: Well, none of the work I asked you to do as my _secretary_ would require the use of a computer.

Hermy: I'm not your secretary! I am your _co-worker._ And 'Iamsexy'? Could you be more vain?

Iamsexy: I could try…

Hermy: You're an insufferable prat, do you know that?

Iamsexy: At least I get paid well for it.

Hermy: I know, I've seen your car.

Iamsexy: If you're angling for a lift, Granger, forget it.

Hermy: Actually, I was just thinking that a car that big has got to be compensating for something…

Iamsexy: Excuse me! The size of my…thing…is none of your business.

Hermy: I wouldn't want it to be Malfoy, now shut up.

_Hermy has logged off_

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Facial Hair

Do you think a goatee would suit me better? They're cool, right?

* * *

To: Ron

From:

Subject: Re: Facial Hair

I have no idea, Ron. But I'm not sending out another mass email, so don't ask.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic

Subject: Do some work, the lot of you!

While you all know I can read your Instant Message conversations, you are unaware I can access your emails. While reading these fascinating little gems, it has struck me that none of you are doing any work, these few in particular:

-Miss Granger: Stop wittering on about your love life (or lack of it) to Miss. Weasley. Also, please bring doughnuts to book club meeting.

-Mr. Malfoy: Miss. Granger is not your secretary, so stop bossing her around. Also, please stop harassing her on AIM. And you're right; your butt looks delightful in leather pants. Please don't wear them to work again, however, people keep fainting. Justin Finch-Fletchley has been out cold for an hour now.

**-Miss. Weasley: Have you done _anything _today at all? While I'm sure Miss. Granger's love life is fascinating, and, yes, Mr. Malfoy _is_ sex-on-legs, and handcuffs _are_ of vital importance, but you are paid to DO WORK.**

-Mr. Potter: Stop this bathroom nonsense, tell Ronald Weasley to get rid of any facial hair, and go back to work. And while you're at it, tell Mr. Weasley to come back and do some as well.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Sex-on-legs?

Sex-on-legs, eh? I didn't know you felt that way, Weasley.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Sex-on-legs?

Shut. Up.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: H. Potter

Subject: Justin

Justin Finch-Fletchley?

Score.

* * *

To: Potter

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Justin

You're just pissed your girlfriend called me sex-on-legs.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Justin

Yeah, well, so did Ron.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Counselling?

Granger…does the ministry offer free counselling for the greatly disturbed?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Counselling?

Why? Did you realise that Justin's was bigger than yours?

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Counselling?

Not you as well! I'm not screwing Justin Finch-bloody-Fletchley!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Counselling?

Aw, did I strike a nerve?

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Ginny

Subject: Our right to privacy!

Fellow workers,

This new revelation has left many of you seething with anger, I'm sure. The ministry have no right to be spying on our private conversations. We need to rebel! Go on strike! Demand our privacy back!

And, as Harry hasn't mentioned Bones' last email, I'm assuming he's not talking to me. I don't really think Malfoy is sex-on-legs, sugar bumpkin.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

A _Strike_? Ginny, you're just cross she put your message in bold print.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

I'm not cross about the bold print. I'm _flattered._

* * *

To: Ginny

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

Don't lie, Weasley. You can't wait to get into these leather pants of mine.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

Not really, Malfoy. Word on the street is there's not much in them.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

GINNY! Don't call me sugar bumpkin in public!

Actually, don't call me sugar bumpkin _at all._

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

Sorry, sugar bumpkin.

* * *

To: Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Our right to privacy!

WHAT? Who told you that…GRANGER!

* * *

Sexonlegs: Granger, stop telling people my dick is small.

Hermy: Don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy.

Sexonlegs: Like hell you don't.

Hermy: Why don't you go and ask Justin to comfort you?

Sexonlegs: SHUT UP! You know, you're lucky I don't complain about this to the minister.

Hermy: Why would the minister get herself involved with something so trivial?

Sexonlegs: I will have you know, the minister likes me _a lot_. Too much, actually. She spanked my ass earlier.

Hermy: Oh, God, she didn't!

Sexonlegs: There are some nice images for you at your book club meeting. Don't forget your doughnuts now, Granger.

_Sexonlegs has signed off _

* * *

A slighter longer chapter today. Yay! Lonely Hearts Anonymous was meant to be the main part of this story, but it seems to be going in a completely different direction. Oh well, it's more fun this way. Anyway, now is the time for you to go and review!

Next time: Ron comes back to work, Draco is annoying, Justin comes clean, Hermione forgets to write coolasice a letter back, and an AIM conversation. Or two. Or three.

Thank you for all your reviews! Give me more! XD!


	3. Where Draco manages to get everyone piss

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

**Chapter Three: The chapter where Draco manages to get everyone pissed off.**

* * *

To: Entire ministry

From: Ron

Subject: Hello!

Hello everyone! You'll be pleased to hear that I'm back from sick leave, and I'm now completely clean-shaven! I'd like to thank Harry for showing me how to use a razor, and also Ginny because she cooked my tea for me.

* * *

To: R. Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello!

Aw, can't ickle Ronniekins cook his own tea? That's pathetic, Weasley. And you need help using a _razor_? I thought you had to have a brain to be an auror?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Malfoy

Why is Malfoy in the ministry?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ron

Subject: Re: Hello!

Sod off, Malfoy.

* * *

To: Ron

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Malfoy.

He works here now. He's Hermione's boss. Apparently he and Justin Finch-Fletchley have thing going on.

* * *

Sexonlegs: Morning, Granger.

Hermy: Hello Malfoy.

Sexonlegs: Are you going to talk to me today, or do I have to continue to IM you? Seems a bit pointless, what with us being in the same office and all.

Hermy: I'd prefer not to speak to you either way, really.

Sexonlegs: Likewise, Granger, but it's fun to annoy one another, yes? Listen, has an owl come for me? It should've gone to my house, but it hasn't…

Hermy: No, there hasn't. Are you sure it's been sent? Maybe the sender realised you were a git and decided not to send it.

_Sexonlegs has signed off_

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject?

Malfoy, did I just _offend _you?

* * *

To: Granger

From: Malfoy

Subject: Re?

No. How was your book club meeting?

* * *

To: Justin

From: Ron

Subject: Malfoy

Justin, is it true? Do you and Malfoy have a thing?

* * *

To: Ron

From: Justin

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Justin, is it true? Do you and Malfoy have a thing?

Not that it's any of your business, but I do find him very attractive, yes.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Ron

Subject: Fwd: Malfoy

You heard it here first, folks!

_Justin, is it true? Do you and Malfoy have a thing?_

_Not that it's any of your business, but I do find him very attractive, yes. _

* * *

To: R. Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Fwd: Malfoy

Weasley, I am going to fucking kill you!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Hee hee!

Draco and Justin…has a certain ring to it, don't you think?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hee hee!

I thought you were going on strike about the 'breach of privacy'?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Hee hee!

I didn't think me striking alone would've had much of an impact.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Justin

I would like you all to know that while Justin may like _me, _I most certainly do not like him. I am as straight as…as a very straight object. And no, Granger, I am not talking about _that _part of my body, I'm talking about my sexuality. Not that…that _thing _isn't straight. Because it is. Very straight. And long.

Anyway, to prove my straightness-Granger, I'm in the same office as you, if you start laughing I'll know why-I have complied a list of women I wouldn't mind screwing:

-Pansy Parkinson: Okay, I've done her already, but it was fun. She was up for whipped cream.

-Ginny Weasley: She has shiny hair. I like things that shine like hair, and money. Plus, I know she wants me too, for I am "sex-on-legs."

-Hermione Granger: She has a nice figure. And don't tell me you haven't noticed, Potter, I've seen you staring.

-Luna Lovegood: Ron's been eyeing her up, and it'll piss him off to see her on the list.

-The chick at Pizza Hut: She's got to be 36D, at least.

As I'm sure you'll all want to hit me, or each other (this would amuse me greatly), I'll be inviting you all to an AIM conversation.

* * *

Sexonlegs: Welcome, everyone!

IloveDraco: Hey, Drakey. Shall we try chocolate next?

Sexonlegs: Sure!

MrsPotter: That's _disgusting._

LuNa: Ron?

Ihaveredhair:…Yeah?

LuNa: You know, I…I eat lunch.

LuNa: In the canteen.

Ihaveredhair: I know.

Sexonlegs: Told you he's stalking you!

Ihaveredhair: Shut up, Malfoy.

_Lightning has signed on_

MrsPotter: Oh, and here he is!

Lightning: Don't get angry at me- you called him sex-on-legs!

MrsPotter: You eyed up my best friend!

Lightning: I didn't!

MrsPotter: Well, I didn't call him sex-on-legs!

_LuNa has logged off _

IheartDraco: Draco, could you ever feel the same way?

Sexonlegs: Who is this?

IheartDraco: Justin

IloveDraco: Draco is _mine_!

IheartDraco: Who is this?

IloveDraco: Pansy!

MrsPotter: Draco, were you serious?

Sexonlegs: About wanting to sleep with you? Sure!

MrsPotter: Ew, no. About Harry checking out Hermione.

Sexonlegs: Course I was. But, everyone checks out Hermione.

Hermy: Hey!

Sexonlegs: When did you get here?

Hermy: I've been here the whole time, you pervert.

Lightning: Malfoy, can I borrow your leather pants?

Sexonlegs: No, buy your own. You're not Weasley, you can afford it.

Ihaveredhair: _Hey!_

_MrsPotter has logged off_

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Malfoy

Do you have water in your office? Or any form of liquid, really. Just pour it on Malfoy's head, Ok?

* * *

Lightning: Well, that's nice.

Sexonlegs: But now we can talk about her behind her back.

Hermy: Are you aware her best friend, fiancé and older brother are all here?

Sexonlegs: Good point.

_Hermy has logged off_

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Malfoy

I'm on it.

* * *

Sexonlegs: Why is everyone leaving?

IloveDraco: I'm still here, baby.

IheartDraco: And me!

Ihaveredhair: And me, for some inexplicable reason.

Lightning: Ditto.

* * *

IloveDraco: Draco, are you still there?

Sexonlegs: Yeah. I'm wet. Granger just dumped coffee on me.

Lightning: Nice one.

IheartDraco: Poor Draco…shall I kiss it better?

Sexonlegs: NO!

_Sexonlegs has signed off_

* * *

Hey Curlz,

So, you haven't replied to my last letter. I'm guessing you're bored of me already, huh?

Well,_ thanks for letting me know._

Cold

* * *

Sexonlegs: Granger, what have you done now?

Hermy: What?

Sexonlegs: You just said 'Oops.'

Hermy: Oh, it's nothing. I just forgot to do something-don't worry, it's non-work related.

Sexonlegs: You shouldn't be getting owls unrelated to work sent here.

Hermy: Malfoy, it's been a long day, and I'm tired.

Sexonlegs: Granger…that's my owl! Why is my owl sending you letters?

Hermy: Don't be stupid, it can't be your owl…unless the, ah, company use the same owl that sent the letter to send it to the addressee…but then…that would mean…

Sexonlegs…Curlz?

Hermy: Oh, crap.

* * *

I don't like this chapter very much. Anyway, let me know what you think in a-you guessed it-review. I live off reviews-I love them to pieces!

Next time: Rubber ducks, Draco in leather, hiding in closets, and a deep and meaningful conversation. Ish.


	4. The Rubber duck fiasco

Disclaimer:

Nothing is mine. _Still._

And it has a title now! Yayness! Thanks to **Procella **for coming up with it.

**Chapter Four: The Rubber Duck fiasco.**

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Hermione

Gin, I really think you should talk to Hermione. Moody sent me to clear out the closet full of broken Sneakoscopes and stuff, and I found Hermione in there muttering.

I think she could possibly have gone mad.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: You Ok?

Are you OK? According to Harry you were in a cupboard this morning…

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: You Ok?

I was hiding from Malfoy. Ginny, **he's coldasice**. So, now we're avoiding each other. Also, he's wearing those damn leather pants again.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: You Ok?

Does he know you're Curlz?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: You Ok?

**YES!**

**

* * *

**

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: You Ok?

Well, you work in the same office so you'll have to face him sooner of later. And it might as well be today, that way you have an excuse to look at that body…

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: You Ok?

GINNY!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Meep!

Malfoy just walked into the office! What do I say?

Maybe I could send him an email…that's less awkward than face to face…oh! He just sent me an instant message.

Start planning my funeral now, OK?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Ron

Subject: Hmmm…

Ginny, what do you think about a piercing?

* * *

Sexonlegs: Hey.

Hermy: Hi.

Sexonlegs: Listen, we're making a big deal out of this.

Hermy: Right. I mean, we exchanged about two letters.

Sexonlegs: Yeah. It's not as though there were declarations of undying love or anything.

Hermy: That's very true.

Sexonlegs: So we're…ok? I mean, no more hiding in cupboards?

Hermy: Malfoy, we hate each other. We'll never be "Ok." And how on earth did you know about _that_?

Sexonlegs: Potter told me, I just bumped into him.

Hermy: Oh.

Sexonlegs: Do you…do you really hate me?

Hermy: Well, no. Not really. You're just an annoying prat most of the time, that's all.

Sexonlegs: I aim to please.

Hermy: Malfoy, why were you so, you know, horrid back in Hogwarts? I mean, you ended up fighting for our side, so there was no need to be…

Sexonlegs: Do we _have _to drag this up again? I did what my father told me, was a complete git to anybody who wasn't a Slytherin, got bored, joined the Order the Phoenix, the war ended, we won, I got a job and tried to be nice to people. But apparently I'm an annoying prat, so the last part isn't really going to plan, is it?

_Sexonlegs has logged off_

* * *

To: Ron

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Hmmm…

**NO! **Honestly Ron! What's up with you these days? Facial hair? Piercings? You're too young to be having mid-life crises!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Malfoy

Attached:

Read the last part. What's up with him?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Well, it's Malfoy isn't it? He probably wanted you to say 'Oh Draco dearest, why were you so horrid in school? Couldn't you see all I wanted to do was shag you? Couldn't you feel the sexual tension?'

He did look pretty pissed earlier though. I saw him in the canteen buying a chocolate muffin. Ah, Draco and chocolate-my two favourite things. Apart from, you, know Harry.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Ron

Subject: Re: Hmmm…

Stop being so unsupportive! I just want to be trendy! Luna has a thing about earrings, you know she does. Not that I care. I mean, we ate lunch together today and stuff, but I don't like her. Not really.

Yeah.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Malfoy

He has a crumb on the side of his mouth.

That is all I have to say.

* * *

To: Ron

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Hmmm…

Oh just act the crazy earring lover out, for crying out loud.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Ooh, I sense your pain. What willpower it must take not to just lick the damn thing right off that smooth skin and then move your tongue…right. Um. Work! I have work. To do. So off I go, doing work.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Ron

Subject: Re: Hmmm…

I _will. _Just…not yet.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Malfoy

GINNY! I am _shocked_.

* * *

Harryisagit: Don't act so scandalised. You're thinking about it too.

Hermy: I am not! And what happened to MrsPotter anyway?

Harryisagit: Harry eyed you up!

Hermy: Oh.

Harryisagit: Anyway, I thought you'd…vaguely sorted things out with Malfoy. Apart from the whole incredibly-pissed-off-for-no-reason thing.

Hermy: We have. Ish.

Harryisagit: Well, I just spoke to Ron in the corridor, and he found you in yet another closet.

Hermy: I've been in _two_, ok? And for your information, I was hiding from Bones; I'm late on a report. Besides, it's cosy in there.

Harryisagit: Hermione Granger? Late on a report! Never.

Hermy: Shut up, I'm trying to finish.

_Hermy has logged off._

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Hey

Hey. Listen; sorry I was so weird earlier. These damn ducks keep being sent to the office-one every hour. D'you know who's sending them?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

_Ducks?_

And since when did you apologise for stuff?

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

Yes, Granger, ducks. You know, quack quack? I know who's sending them now anyway. The last lot came with some sort of love note. And, no, it's not from Justin.

And I happen to be a very nice person, and I apologise for things that I feel I need to apologise for.

* * *

Sexonlegs: Potter, why have you sent a bunch of rubber ducks and what can only be described as a love letter to my office?

Lightning: What?

Sexonlegs: Yeah. It says, "My darling, sorry about the Hermione thing. Please forgive me. The ducks are just a reminder about a certain fantasy. Love, Harry."

Lightning: Oh, crap. They were for Ginny-the stupid delivery guy at 'Duck's 'r' us' must have sent it to the wrong office.

Sexonlegs: Good, 'cos I'm sure a very attractive or whatever, but you're not really my type.

Lightning: No, you like Hufflepuffs called Justin, don't you?

Sexonlegs: Oh _ha-ha_. But, seriously Potter, ducks? You know, there's kinky, and there's just plain wrong.

Lightning: Shut up Malfoy. I'll sort it out.

_Lightning has logged off._

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

I know what ducks are Malfoy. Who was it sending them anyway?

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

Potter-they were meant for the Weaslette.

Are you doing anything tonight?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Justin

Subject: Ducks

Thank you for the ducks, sweetie! And I totally forgive you.

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansy

Subject: WHAT?

How could you do this to me Drakie? I can't believe you!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

…Why?

* * *

To: Justin

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Ducks?

What the hell are you talking about? What's Potter done with the ducks? Forgive me for what?

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: WHAT?

Has everyone gone mad today or something? What have I done now?

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

Is it that hard to work out?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Justin

Subject: Re: Ducks

You sent me rubber ducks! With a message saying: "Justin, I'm sorry I was so cruel to you. I'm having trouble dealing with my newfound sexuality. Do gay people like ducks? Yours, Draco.

And don't worry-it's hard at first. And, um, no, I don't have any particularly strong feelings for ducks. But it was a v. nice gesture.

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansy

Subject: Re: WHAT?

You sent that stupid Hufflepuff guy presents! You never get me presents! You'd better do something _really _nice to make up for this, or I'll never marry you!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

I'm assuming that's your way of asking me out. You're not doing very well.

* * *

To: Potter

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: You git.

I'm going to kill you, Potter.

Actually, no. I've thought of something better.

* * *

To: Justin

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Ducks

It was a hoax, obviously. If I were gay, I'd fancy someone like…Oliver Wood. Someone with _muscle._

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: WHAT?

I don't w_ant _to marry you Parkinson, now piss off.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

Fine.

Dear Hermione, goddess of all that is wonderful, would you kindly take your very beautiful nose out of your extremely fascinating book so that you may grace me, Draco Malfoy, god of all that is humble, with an hour or so of your time after work?

Better, Granger?

I really hate you, you know.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: You git.

Well, I'm quaking on my broomstick now.

* * *

To: Entire Minsitry

From: Justin

Subject: Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy is in love with Oliver Wood because, and I quote, "He has muscle"

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansy

Subject: Re: WHAT?

That's it. I'm sleeping with Zabini. Ha!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

The feelings mutual. I might be able to stand a few minutes with you though. If you're not to busy chasing Oliver Wood, that is.

* * *

To: Git with a scar on his head

From: Ginny

Subject: What the Hell?

Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? Two thousand rubber ducks with Hermione's face on, just sitting in my office? Are you on drugs or something?

* * *

To: Granger

From: Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

I'm sure I can manage not to lust after that Gryffindor ponce for a few moments.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

Are you sure? Why have I just received a gigantic rubber duck with the words "D.M 4 O.W." on it?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: A very sorry person.

Subject: Re: What the hell?

Malfoy did it as revenge for something I did. And then I did something else and now I have a black eye. I'm sure you're happy.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: What the hell?

Nice one, Malfoy.

Did you hear he asked Hermione out?

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey.

Why you're friends with Potter is beyond me. He's a complete and utter git.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

Only sometimes. Ron would like to know if he could borrow your leather pants.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hey

No! He can borrow my mirror anytime though. Why is he wearing a feather in his ear?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Hey

Something about bird rights. How wearing their feathers is helping them I don't know.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ron Weasley

Subject: Leather pants.

Hi, um, listen. Don't be mad Malfoy, but, well, I snuck into your apartment at lunch and stole a pair of pants. The thing is, I must be too big for them or something, and now I'm stuck! You have to help me! I'm in the men's bathrooms...

* * *

Wheeeeee so many reviews last time :D

Anyway, why don't you pass the time between now and the next chapter by….oh, I don't know…reviewing: )


	5. Where very little actually happens

**Chapter Five: Where very little actually happens.**

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Security

Subject: An offer you can't refuse!

Picture the scene: Ron Weasley, an auror, enters the men's toilets. He is carrying a black object under his arm. He reveals the object to be a pair of leather trousers, usually seen on Draco Malfoy's lean, muscular…ahem, long legs. He removes his own trousers and puts on Malfoy's. He struts his stuff in them for a while, before taking them off.

Well, trying to anyway.

Weasley then spends a few minutes hopping around tugging at the tight material. He falls over a few times. He then disappears, before coming back in with a laptop in his hands. He does something on it. Moments later, an angry Malfoy appears. Malfoy wraps his arms around Weasley's legs and tugs. It looks like a scene from a bad gay movie. Hermione Granger appears, looks amused, and performs a spell. Weasley and Malfoy look ashamed, presumably wondering why they didn't think of that.

We have these moments on video, thanks to our new technology. **And they can be yours for only 17 galleons!** Email our head of security, Blaise Zabini, today!

Hannah Abbott

Secretary to Mr. B Zabini

* * *

To: Zabini

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Don't you dare!

Zabini, if you sell a single one of those videos, I will make sure you lack a very important body part.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Blaise

Subject: Re: Don't you dare!

No can do, mate. I've already sold them to most of the ministry. Justin Finch-Fletchley bought two. Are the rumours about you two true?

* * *

To: Zabini

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Don't you dare!

No they bloody well aren't. What about you and Parkinson? She said something about screwing you.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Blaise

Subject: Re: Don't you dare!

Parkinson? I haven't seen her in years. Sure she wasn't trying to make you jealous?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Well?

Well, how was your date with Malfoy? Or was he too busy getting it on with my brother to go?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Well?

They were _not _getting it on! Besides, it wasn't even a date. We just had coffee.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Well?

Hermione, are you _jealous_? That email was a bit exaggerated you know, it looked nothing like bad gay porn. I mean, ok, there was _some _touching involved, and some positions…ok, so security was right. But it doesn't _mean_ anything. Malfoy was just helping Ron out. Of course, if you "just had coffee" you shouldn't really care.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Well?

You're right, I don't.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Justin

Subject: Draco

Ginny, is Draco dating your brother? Because he told me he wasn't gay, and, well…he _is_. Why doesn't he like me?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Well?

You keep telling yourself that. Still, how did…coffee go?

* * *

To: Justin

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Draco

He isn't dating my brother, and he isn't gay. And don't email me! I'm not your 'girlfriend' or whatever it was you called me in the hallway yesterday.

* * *

To: Ron

From: H. Potter

Subject: Malfoy

Not you as well. Why is _everyone _in love with Malfoy all of a sudden? Justin, Pansy, Ginny, Hermione…

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Well?

It was…nice. He's actually a very nice person when he's not being a git or making sarcastic comments about my friends.

…Good Kisser.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Justin

Subject: Re: Draco

_Fine_. Pansy's my friend.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Re: Well?

What? Since when did Ginny and Hermione like him?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Well?

WHAT! You kissed? No wonder you were jealous! Ooh, what was it like?

* * *

To: Justin

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Well?

Good for Pansy. Now, _leave me alone._

* * *

To: Ron

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Hermione's dating him, Ginny appears to be fantasising about him, and WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU DENYING LIKING HIM?

* * *

**Ginny:** Hi!

**The rubber duckies left:** Hi. Let me guess: You want a faster way to interrogate me about last night?

**Ginny: **Damn right! You two _kissed_?

**The rubber duckies left: **Yes.

**Ginny: **How many times?

**The rubber duckies left: **Um, a few.

**Ginny: **Ooh, I miss first kisses. Now I just get these very familiar, very sloppy ones of Harry.

**The rubber duckies left: **Well, whose fault is that? You're the one who chased after him for nine years, you should be _happy_.

**Ginny: **Actually I went off him during my fourth year, so technically it's only eight.

**The rubber duckies left: **Oh please. The only time you went off him was when you accidentally walked in on him on the toilet!

**Ginny: **Accidentally?

**The rubber duckies left: **Ew, Ginny!

**Ginny: **And don't change the subject. Did you sleep with him?

**The rubber duckies left: **_Ginny! _Of course not. Although…

**Ginny: **Although? Although what?

**The rubber duckies left: **Well, I thought about it. I mean, seriously Gin, the guy can kiss.

**Ginny: **Ooh! When are you seeing him again?

**The rubber duckies left: **I don't know.

**Ginny: **Well quit talking to me and find out!

_Ginny has logged off_

**The rubber duckies left: **Barmy.

**The rubber duckies left: **Definitely.

**The rubber duckies left: **What? Who the hell is that?

**The rubber duckies left: **Draco.

**The rubber duckies left: **How did you get on my account?

**The rubber duckies left: **I'm not. You're on the entire departments.

**The rubber duckies left: **Oh…wait! Does that mean _everyone_'s read the conversation!

**The rubber duckies left: **Yes.

**The rubber duckies left: **Who are you?

**The rubber duckies left: **_Hermione._

**The rubber duckies left: **I know you are: I'm talking about _them_.

**The rubber duckies left: **_What?_

**The rubber duckies left: **Who's here?

**The rubber duckies left: **I don't know!

**The rubber duckies left: **This is all you fault, Granger.

**The rubber duckies left: **Look, everyone go on their private accounts and then we won't all have the same username.

**The rubber duckies left: **I thought it was more fun this way…

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Oh, um, denying. Right. I _hate _Malfoy.

* * *

To: Ron

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: Malfoy

Wow, what enthusiasm.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Tonight

You free tonight?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Tonight

I might be.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Tonight

Well, I figured you might want to spend a bit more time with me, as I'm such a damn good kisser…

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Tonight

And _so _modest.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Tonight

I try.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Tonight

Of course you do. I'll give you some extra lessons tonight.

* * *

To: Granger

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Tonight

You'll come then?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Tonight

_I'll give you some extra lessons tonight._

That was me saying yes, you idiot.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic

Subject: (None)

As of 12:00 today, all email accounts and AIM conversations will be disabled thanks to our wonderful team in MagicTech. Have a nice day.

* * *

Ok, so, worst chapter yet. Chapter six should be much better. I think.

_Reeviiiiiiiiiew!_


	6. Where newspapers take nonsense to new le...

_Previously: _

To: Entire Ministry

_From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic_

_Subject: (None)_

_As of 12:00 today, all email accounts and AIM conversations will be disabled thanks to our wonderful team in MagicTech. Have a nice day._

**Chapter Six: Where Newspapers take nonsense to new levels.**

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: WHAT?

WHAT? THEY CAN'T DO THAT! IT'S…IT'S…_EVIL_ THAT'S WHAT IT IS!

* * *

To: Ginny Weasley

From: MagicTech Email service

Subject: Undeliverable

We were unable to send the following email:

_To: Hermione_

_From: Ginny_

_Subject: WHAT?_

WHAT? THEY CAN'T DO THAT! IT'S…IT'S…EVIL THAT'S WHAT IT IS!

**The minister of magic says: "HA!"**

**

* * *

**

**Ginny:** Hermione? Tell me if you get this message, ok? Maybe they did it wrong and AIM still works. Oh, God, what am I going to_ **do**_?

_**We were unable to send your message.**_

**Ginny: **Damn it!

_**We were unable to send your message.**_

**Ginny: **SHUT UP!

_**We were unable to send your message.**_

_Ginny has logged off._-

* * *

BANNERS 'R' US ORDER FORM

**Deliver to:** _Ginny Weasley_

**Size of banner:** _The biggest you have._

**Text on banner:**_ STRIKE AS OF TOMORROW! Protest outside of MoM building tomorrow at 10! Be there!_

**Payment Details:** _See Harry Potter. Mention bathrooms and he'll pay up._

* * *

A MEMO FROM THE MINISTER

Dear Mr. Potter

Please could you ask your fiancée to come down from the roof, and remove that ridiculous flag thing? If she won't come down, please could you suggest that she wear some clothing, as it is freezing outside, and I wouldn't want her to catch hypothermia. You may also be interested to know that there are reporters outside taking photos.

Congratulations Mr. Potter, your girlfriend's a porn star.

* * *

Broomstick Babes-_1 galleon_

**POTTER'S PORN PREDICAMENT**

By Neville "Shagadelic" Longbottom

Harry Potter, the boy who lived, has got a new dilemma on his hands. His fiancée, Ginny Weasley, whom he has been dating for over a year, is alleged to have recently decided to become a porn star. Weasley was seen earlier today dancing in the nude on the top of the Ministry of Magic building. Could this new profession be from sexual frustration? Knowing some men _are _happy to see her body? Is Potter not good enough in bed for her? Maybe he's too busy saving the world to satisfy her needs. Watch this space guys! She may turn to you for some 'comfort' next!

Turn to page 8 for hot, hot, hot pictures of the fiery redhead.

* * *

The Quibbler-_1 Knut_

LUCIUS MALFOY IS THE REAL PORN STAR!

Ginny Weasley was supposed to be dancing naked in public early today-but what she? Startling new evidence, coming from Harry Potter himself, suggests otherwise. "Lucius Malfoy has always been fascinated with the female body-I've even seen him feel up Minerva McGonagall to see what saggy ones felt like. Using a polyjuice potion he transformed into Ginny, and apparated to the top of the building to show off his assets. Ginny wouldn't do something like that."

* * *

Ginny,

Why is there a big protest sign outside? Is it 'cos of the email thing? You do realise we can just owl each other, don't you?

And what the heck is this about you running around the ministry naked? I haven't read _Broomstick Babes_ myself, I prefer _Broomstick Boys_, I mean, um, _Broomstick Babes _is the best. Yeah. Bloody brilliant, that magazine is.

Ron

* * *

Ron,

Um, of course I did. Do you think I'm stupid? Owls are the greatest; do you think I'd just forget them? It's the principal of the matter, that's all. And the nakedness was just to attract attention to my sign.

And, Ron, it's ok if you're gay. Although you might want to get over your crush on Malfoy (don't deny it, Harry told me) because Hermione'll hex you to hell and back if you mess with her man (she was calling him "my Draco" earlier, it was _so _cute).

G.

* * *

Gin,

So, finally come round about the bathroom thing, huh?

Harry.

* * *

Of course not you daft git.

G.

* * *

Gin,

But the delivery guy said that you would.

Harry

* * *

That's because I lied, darling.

G.

* * *

Gin,

Well that's nice. I make up a load of crap about Lucius Malfoy so people won't think you're this nutty slut who likes to strip, and you still won't even set foot in the bathroom with me.

* * *

I didn't ask you make up that story; you were just embarrassed for _yourself_. Now shut up, I'm still plotting against the ministry.

G.

* * *

Ginny, Draco,…Malfoy, and everyone else,

You know, muggles use emails too. There are hundreds of free email services we can use, _and _the minister won't be able to read them. Why don't you just get one of them instead of organising silly protests that never work Gin, and moaning loudly to anyone who'll listen, Malfoy?

Hermione.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: I LOVE MUGGLES!

They really are wonderful. And why are you in such a foul mood?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: I LOVE MUGGLES!

I'm not.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Your letter

You can call me Draco, you know. I don't mind.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Your letter

What?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Your letter

In your owl. You wrote Draco, seemed confused, changed your mind and wrote Malfoy.

* * *

A MEMO FROM THE MINISTER

Employees,

Anyone caught sending non-work related owls will be suspended. And I know you're sending them, they've been flying past my office all day. You're not so clever, you know that? Bwahaha!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: I LOVE MUGGLES!

Then why was your letter worded in such a bad tempered way? Ah, who cares? Did you get the latest ministry memo? "Not so clever," huh? That's what she thinks! We're all back into our not working ways thank to (in my case) Hotmail. Why is it called hotmail anyway? My mail doesn't _burn _me.

* * *

Daily Prophet -_2 sickles_

MALFOY HEIR TO MARRY MUGGLEBORN By Colin Creevey

Draco Malfoy, heir to the three million galleons Malfoy fortune, was seen last night in the company of Hermione Granger, a muggleborn who graduated from Hogwarts two years ago with top honours. It is believed that the two have been dating since their graduation two years ago, and are now engaged.

While the opinion of muggleborns has changed drastically since you-know-who's defeat, Lucius Malfoy, Draco's father is not happy with the situation.

"Draco has broken the heart of a beautiful witch called Pansy Parkinson. I had hoped for the two to marry as her father is very rich-um, I mean, she's a very lovely girl," says Lucius. "She would not have my only son skipping in fields of daisies with house elves like this Miss. Granger will."

Draco's mother, Narcissa is much happier about the turn of events, "Miss. Granger is a highly intelligent, pretty witch" she gushed. "I couldn't be more thrilled about their engagement. Their wedding will be a spectacular event. There'll be daisies and house elves everywhere! According to Lucius, she likes them."

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Your letter

I didn't mean to write Draco, you know.

* * *

To: "Hermione"

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Your letter

Well you should really, considering we're getting married.

* * *

To: "Draco"

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Your letter.

WHAT?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!

You're engaged? Why didn't you tell me? Tell me _everything_! Did he go down on one knee? Was it romantic as Harry's was? Oh my god, we could have a double wedding!

* * *

To: "Hermione"

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Your letter

Attached:

You clearly haven't seen the garbage in today's _Daily Prophet._

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansypoo

Subject: Engaged?

Drakie deerest, the profet is liing isn't it? You wood never du this two me! Drakie, tell me you wood never du this to me!

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Engaged?

Did you forget to use spellchecker again Parkinson?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Blaise

Subject: Congratulations

Wow, you sure act fast don't you? Anyway, congratulations, mate!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: Hermione

If you ever, _ever _hurt her I will kill you. However, if she hurts you, then, um, let me know.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: H. Potter

Subject: Engaged?

Couldn't you have eloped? Now Ginny's going to want a double wedding, you git!

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Congrats!

I can't believe you proposed! I mean, you've been on one date! You must be so in love. Ooh, I'm swooning!

* * *

To: Draco, Hermione

From: Justin

Subject: Well…

Well, this is certainly unexpected. But, um, congratulations I suppose. I won't be attending the wedding however, I may, ah, produce tears.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: H. Potter

Subject: Ron

Ron is crying. I'm not sure whom he's crying over, though…

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ronald Weasley

Subject: Draco

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

* * *

To: Granger

From: Pansy

Subject: Ugh.

Bitch. I'll get you my pretty, and your bushy hair too.

And if Drakie reads this: How d'you like that for spelling, fucktard?

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansy

Subject: I LOVE YOU!

Drakie, I'm so sorry! You are so way fully not a fucktard, I was just really, really angry. Drakie, I LOVE YOU!

* * *

To: "Hermione"

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Shoot me now.

I keep getting all these congratulations! What the hell are we going to do?

* * *

To: "Malfoy"

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Shoot me now.

I'm thinking we have an engagement party, **get loads of presents**, decide it's too soon for marriage and break it off.

* * *

To: "Hermione"

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Shoot me now.

I like the way you think. Now, come over here and give me a kiss.

* * *

Next time: The party! Pineapples! Draco doing the limbo!

REVIEW!


	7. In which Draco may or may not be pregnan

Holy majoly! It's been over two _years!_ I'm so lazy, I swear.

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing. And a good thing too, the characters would have starved to death in a dusty box if it were up to me. Except Draco of course, I'd always take him out to play ;)

**Chapter 7: In which Draco may or may not be pregnant.**

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Ginny

Subject: Party

Omg! I can't BELIEVE I was _ill_ on the day of Hermione and Malfoy's party! And a pool party at that! Do you know how desperate I've been to see certain males in this place half naked?

And what is up with this universe, anyway? 1 billion spells in the world and not one to cure a common cold?

Anyway, I want details. I want to know _everything_.

And don't come near my office today, I'm still ill and there's phlegm everywhere. It's not pretty.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Draco has a pineapple fetish.

And looks delicious in a swimsuit.

* * *

To: Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Party

Such a shame you couldn't come. The Weasley family were_ almost_ outnumbered by non red-haired people.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Party

So, um, at the party, I met this girl…

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

!swoons amidst pile of mucus-y tissues!

Don't suppose you took photos?

And…pineapples? Ew. What kind of fetish? He looks at naked pineapples, or he wants you to do some kind of…sexual act with them?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Haha, very funny Malfoy. Did Hermione set up Ron and Justin like I asked her to?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

What do you mean "you met this girl?"

Just so I'm clear: Is this an "I'm breaking up with you" kind of conversation, or a "please forgive me" kind of conversation? Or are you just telling a really random and ominous sounding story (made the aforementioned adjectives due to scary looking dots.) Just so I know how many sarcastic/pissed off comments I need to start preparing.

* * *

To: Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Party

Thank you, I thought so. And she tried. I think the presence of a pierced nipple on Ron was something of a turn off for Justin.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

I have a video of him doing the limbo if that's of any interest to you. He isn't very good. He ended up throwing a strop and locking himself in the kitchen (probably do to god know what to pineapples.) after it turned out even Neville was more flexible than him.

And, yeah, the pineapples. He was caressing them and _cooing_. He did mumble something about me stroking his skin with them, but I think I blocked the rest out.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

It's a please forgive me kind of conversation. I was really, _really_, drunk, and kissed her. But I stopped as soon as I realised what I was doing! Gin, you know how much I love you. Please, please, please, forgive me.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Hello

Drakie! I need you to forgive me. I did something very stupid last night, and I…I think I might be pregnant!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

The video _was_ of interest to me, until I learnt that Harry has no self control whilst completely hammered. Why the hell didn't you tell me he was making out with some slut at your party?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

HARRY WHAT?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Ron's got a what? When did that happen? I thought I told him not to! He didn't get the ring with a…piece of male genitilia pendant thingy attached, did he? Oh, I told him, I _told _him not to…

Ugh, I was so _sure _he and Justin would be perfect for each other.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello

Um, ok. I don't really care, Parkinson. Who's the poor fool who's managed to make devil spawn with you?

* * *

To: Dickhead

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

…Was there tongue? Were there bathrooms?

* * *

To: Weasley

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Party

Why? Because they're both gay? You know it's entirely possible there could be-gasp-more than two gay people in the world, and therefore-gasp-Ron and Justin might _not_ be"meant for each other."

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Re: Hello

It's yours, Drakie!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

You didn't see the kiss? Are you _sure_? So they weren't like, rolling round the bathroom floor or anything?

What was that loud bang, anyway? Did it come from your office?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Draco just fell off his chair.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Party

No! I was so drunk I don't think I could've controlledmy tongue enough to use it, if I even wanted to. Which I didn't. I love you.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Oh, ssh, Malfoy. I just think it's time Ron found some one to love. He's pining.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello

WHAT? That's not possible! We didn't have sex!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Babies

Is there a spell to get pregnant without having…you know?

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Babies

…Why? And not that I'm aware of.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Oh. Hee. Why? I like it when Draco falls. And hurts himself. And dies rolling in a pit of his own misery.

…I may have some unresolved anger from Hogwarts.

…Or I'm fantasising it's Harry instead.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Re: Hello

To be correct Drakie: we haven't had sex _recently._

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Babies

No reason.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Well, you certainly have some kind of issues.

Um, Draco keeps talking about babies and pregnancy. I don't want a kid yet!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

…Maybe he's not talking about you.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello

Ok, but you said your mistake was made last night. Therefore I haven't fathered any children.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Well then, who? And WHY?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You.

YOU GOT MALFOY PREGNANT, YOU BASTICH!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Harry! And Malfoy! OMG, I can't believe our fiancées are having a _baby_. I can't believe Harry said it was just a kiss! And he wouldn't even admit to there being tongue! You know who I blame for this? RON! Ron and his stupid, mid life crisis that turned him gay! He's given them all ideas! And you know what their ideas led to? BABIES!

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Re: Hello

Oh, Drakie, you're so clever. But the father wants nothing to do with me or the baby. My daddy will disown me! Drakie, you don't want to see me and my child out on the street, do you? Drakie, MARRY ME!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Um, Gin, that's not possible. They're missing quite an important part of anatomy for baby-making, seeing as they're both male and (I'm assuming) have penises.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Oh. Right.

…Oops.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Party

Please tell me you haven't confronted Harry about this.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

…Course not.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello

I don't blame the father, whoever he is. You're a little bit psycho. And, no, I won't marry you.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Party

Um, what?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Party

Um, nothing. Shut up. That wasn't me!

* * *

To: Pansy

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Hello

You know, one of these days Drakie I'm not gonna take you back. You're always so _mean _to me.

* * *

Broomstick Babes-_1 galleon_

**PARKINSON FINALLY MOVES ON**

By Neville "Shagadelic" Longbottom

Pansy Parkinson, the beautiful and alluring ex-girlfriend of Draco Malfoy has finally moved on from her highschool sweetheart. Parkinson had reportedly been pining for her long lost love, and was said to be refusing to believe his engagement to Hogwarts brainbox, Hermione Granger. She admitted to the Quibbler earlier this month "Drakie and I belong together, and 'Little Miss Buckteeth' will soon have to face facts. Drakie's father and my own daddy are arranging our wedding as I speak."

However, in a _Broomstick Babes_ exclusive, I can report Parkinson has admitted defeat. Sobbing in my arms last night, Parkinson admitted that Malfoy had been spurning her advances for the past month. She then fluttered her eyelashes at me, saying that she just wishes she could find "a nice, rich wizard" to make her "feel like a woman." Suffice to say, I was more than happy to perform her wishes, and give her some much needed comfort.

Now Parkinson has been officially shagged into forgetting Mr. Malfoy (thanks to yours truly ;), I'm sure she'll be ready to embark on a new relationship with one of our readers, so get stalking men!

And if you have any doubts about dating this female, you'll be pleased to know I didn't forget to take my magic invisible sex camera into bed with me! Turn to page 6 to see pictures of our night of passion!

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Bloody hell

NEVILLE's the father?

And what _position_ was that anyway? The flying toadstool?

Not that I read Broomstick Babes, or anything.

* * *

**Next time: **The beloved ducks return! Harry writes poetry! Everyone finds out about Pansy's pregnancy!

Wheeee, I'm back! Try not to hit me too much for such an uber long delay. I promise frequent updates from now on I've pretty much finished writing the remaining chapters wheeeee. (I figured I'd better not update until I was sure I could keep them constant from now on.)

Not much has changed though, I still love **reviews**. So go and press the button! in creepy furby voice Feed me! Feed me!

I miss my Furby. Silly thing broke!

And if anyone has some ideas for a half decent summary for this I would be eternally grateful.


	8. The return of the ducks

I told you there would be punctual updates from now on :P

**Chapter 8: The return of the ducks**

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic

Subject: Bloody ducks

Whoever has decided to replace the normal ministry desktop wallpaper with a bunch of rubber ducks, get to my office. Now.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: Ducks

Harry, why are there ducks swimming around my computer screen?

* * *

To: Potter

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: FUCKING DUCKS

Every time I try to open an Office Document, this "helpful" office assistant keeps popping up and quacking. I DON'T NEED HELP AND I DON'T LIKE DUCKS. Why do I get the feeling this is something to do with you?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ron

Subject: Piercings

Justin said my nipple ring was "repulsive." Do you think he's right? I heard they were all the rage! It kind of hurts, though.

Oh, and what's up with the ducks on my screen, dude? I'm trying to look at some porn on the net and their beaks keep getting in the way. Unless this guy has a _really_ pointy dangler. But then, I mean, _ow._

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Wtf?

The ducks are your fault, aren't they? Let me get this straight: you make out with some random at a party, you wimp out and decide to EMAIL me about it rather than tell me face to face, and then you dare try and remind me about a bathroom sex act I don't even want to do? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Thanks!

Harry, I LOVE YOU. Your little duck trick has completely made Drakie forget about a little incident that I don't want to talk to him about. He emailed me like six time about it yesterday, and I was totally ignoring him but he wouldn't shut up! But now he hasn't mailed me at all today, cos he's busy swearing about the ducks. You can hear him from two floors down. The grunting is actually kind of a turn on. Hmm. But, anyway, I think this is the first time I've been glad he doesn't want to talk to me. So, thank you, Harry, thank you!

And I have a spare room if Ginny kicks you out. I heard you two arguing in the elevator earlier. Is it about the blonde I saw you with at Malfoy's party?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Um

So, my conscience has kicked in. I think we should give everyone's engagement presents back; it feels unfair to trick them like this.

* * *

To: Ron

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Piercings

Ron, your piercing is ridiculous. Take it out. And get a hair cut.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Wtf?

I am so, so, so sorry. I set it up before the party incident and forgot to deactivate it.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Neville

Ok, Hermione has removed ducks from my computer. Life is good again, and I can go back to bugging you. I know you're ignoring me, Parkinson, but I'm not going to shut up about this. I mean, seriously, LONGBOTTOM? I never thought you'd stoop so low as to sleep with a Gryffindor.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Re: Neville

You're one to talk.

* * *

To: P. Parkinson

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Thanks

Um, you're welcome? And thanks for the offer, but I haven't been kicked out yet, just demoted to the sofa.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Um

Hermione, this whole scam was your idea. And I've already sent the letter to the Prophet announcing that we've changed our minds about marriage.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Neville

Yeah, true. But the difference is Hermione's hot, Neville's an idiot who can't perform magic properly and so works for a porno magazine.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Wtf?

Mm, hmm. Right. Well it was worth it to see Malfoy get so worked up, anyway.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Um

Just because you've sent the letter doesn't mean we can't return the gifts.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Wtf?

If I piss off Malfoy some more, will you forgive me?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Um

But we got a Nintendo! I'm not giving it back! I _rock_ at Mario Kart. Me and Princess Peach, we make a great team!

Besides, the letters been printed. If we were planning on returning the gifts, we'd have mentioned it then.

* * *

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Um

Princess Peach? How…manly. Did you like her outfit or something?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Um

No, her hair. Did you see the poem Potter wrote?

* * *

**Daily Prophet-**_5 knuts_

_**Your Letters, your views**_

_**Star letter wins 5 galleons!**_

I am writing to you today to express my disgust at young wizards today. There are some down the road who keep levitating my bins and dumping the rubbish on my head. They have no respect for the elderly whatsoever!

If that isn't enough, my own grandson has chosen a most embarrassing career-writing for a repulsive, sexual magazine entitled "Broomstick Babes." I have never read this magazine and so I am unclear if the title is for either:

1. Alliteration purposes

2. To represent the images inside of girls sitting on broomsticks.

3. Or maybe it's some kind of pun, and the broomstick is actually a piece of male anatomy. But I can't see people wanting to see pictures of transsexuals. Unless males are now babes. In which case, my grandson is probably working for a homosexual magazine.

Whatever this ungodly magazine is about, I find it disturbing that such literary rubbish is gracing our shops. The wizarding world should be ashamed of itself! I remember when being a wizard was something to be proud about, now we're all more sex obsessed than the muggles!

_-Mrs Augusta Longbottom_

* * *

**WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT**

Miss. Hannah Abbott and Mr. Ernie Macmillan would like to announce their engagement. Their wedding will be taking place sometime this June (date to be announced)

* * *

Dearest Readers,

It is with great regret that my engagement with Hermione Granger has been called off. We both feel that it is too soon for us to be even thinking of marriage, and have decided to get to know each other better before taking the plunge. We both sincerely thank those who have supported us throughout our relationship so far, and hope you will all come to our wedding if we feel ready for it in years to come.

_-Draco Malfoy_

* * *

I'd like to recommend to you all a fantastic new hair product called "Snape's Sexilious Hair Serum" It is the latest in my Sexilious hair products line, and is once again brewed by myself with the greatest care. My new serum will make your hair grease-free and super smooth. Try it today! It can be found in all good hair specialists, supermarkets and pharmacies in the muggle world.

_-Severus Snape_

* * *

**STAR LETTER**

_Ginny, this one's for you-_

Ginny, when I see your face

My own lights up with glee

And my heart starts to race

And sometimes I need to wee

Ginny, I was so stupid

Please, please forgive me

We were brought together by cupid

Ginny, we were meant to be.

_-Harry Potter-kiss kiss kiss! Mwah!_

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy Parkinson

Subject: Re: Neville

He's actually very skilled in bed.

And I heard about your engagement, Drakie. I knew you'd see sense and break it off for me! When shall we announce ours? We'll need to get married soon of course; I can't go down the aisle with a balloon for a stomach.

* * *

To: TwatFace

From: Ginny

Subject: Ugh

What is the utter _drivel_ printed in the Prophet? Are you _trying_ to humiliate me?

* * *

To: Draco  
From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Um

Oh, crap. People are gonna be so _angry_! I don't like it when people are mad at me! Can't we return at least _some_ of the presents? Don't tell me you actually wanted the vibrating rubber duck Harry bought us.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Ugh

I was trying to be romantic! I wrote you a poem! What girl doesn't want a love poem written for them?

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Neville

What kind of drugs are you _on_, Parkinson? I'm not marrying you, you crazy nitwit.

…You have _told_ Neville about the baby, haven't you? Are you _sure _he wants nothing to do with it? He may be a pimp now, but he's still a Gryffindor. They're very chivalrous.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Um

Granger, you're dating a Slytherin. You're going to have to deal with that conscience of yours if we're going to get along. And yes! Return the damned duck! It kept staring at me last night. Do you have Neville's email?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Ugh

Sure, if the poem is _private _and well-written. This was just crappy and humiliating. And now the whole wizarding world knows we're fighting. Do you have any idea how many headlines we're probably going to make?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Um

Yeah, I have it. Why?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Um

…Parkinson's Pregnant. Longbottom may have had a lil' something to do with it.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Hermione

Subject: OMG!

Neville got Pansy pregnant!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Ugh

Oh, we're not gonna be making any headlines after what I've just found out. Pansy's pregnant…with NEVILLE'S BABY!

* * *

Broomstick Babes-_1 galleon_

**WEASLEY SINGLE?**

By Neville "Shagadelic" Longbottom

Looks like the wizarding world's hottest couple may be on the outs-Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley are rumoured to be on the rocks. Potter wrote Weasley a poem to try and salvage their relationship-but will she forgive for whatevers he's done? Watch this space, guys-the hot little red head might be looking for a new man soon!

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Ugh

Too late. My assistant just showed me his latest copy of _Broomstick Babes_.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Pregnant?

Is it true about Pansy and Neville? Harry seems to know something, but I'm too busy thinking up torture methods for him to ask.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Pregnant?

It's true. Pansy told Draco. Neville doesn't know yet, so DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Pregnant?

…oops.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry; The Weasley Family; Wizarding News Network;

From: Ginny

Subject: Read this NOW!

So, hottest gossip ever: Pansy's pregnant…with Neville's Baby!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject!

What the hell did you tell Weasley for?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re!

I didn't, Harry did.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re!

Well WHO TOLD HARRY?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re!

Oh. Um.

* * *

To: ARSEHOLE

From: Pansy

Subject: FUCKING IDIOT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THAT FRECKLED FACED COW!

Omg, Nevie just emailed me. Omg.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: FUCKING IDIOT!

Nevie?

* * *

To: Fantastic Shag #893: P. Parkinson

From: Sex-bomb Longbottom

Subject: WHAT?

Is the email Ginny sent true?

* * *

**Next time: **Ginny meets Harry's bimbo! Blaise gets transferred to Muggle Relations! Neville has a breakdown! Penguins! Lots of IMing!

I had very few **reviews** for the last chapter sniff I feel unloved.

**Give me mooooooooooooore!**


	9. Where Neville freaks out just a lil bit

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine -sniff-

**Chapter 9: Where Neville freaks out just a lil bit.  
**

To: Nevie

From: Pansy

Subject: Re: WHAT?

Oh, Nevie, I'm afraid it is. I wanted to tell you but…well, you're not very rich are you? I so wanted Drakie to be my baby's daddy but he's still smitten with that frizzy-haired whore.

But Nevie, I so don't want to do this on my own. Nevie, will you marry me?

* * *

To: Neville

From: Augusta Longbottom

Subject: Good Lord

Neville, is it true? Have you impregnated that hideous pug-like slytherin? Please tell me that it's just a rumour. Mrs Weasley just rang and told me that her daughter has found out somehow. If you've been telling your friends before me, Neville, you're in for a WORLD of pain.

My god, do you have no respect for our family's name at all? How COULD you bring such shame on me? You'd better be marrying this girl; I will not let my first grandchild be born out of wedlock.

Goodness, my poor heart. With your chosen pornographic profession and now this baby fiasco it's a wonder I'm still ticking.

Please think about your poor grandmother-who took you in and raised you since you were a baby, might I add-before making yet another rash decision.

* * *

To: Longbottom

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: You rock.

Thanks for taking Parkinson off my hands. She might stop bothering me now she's got a chance of getting a ring on someone else's finger. I owe you one, man.

* * *

To: Nev

From: Harry

Subject:

Dude, Parkinson? Really? Do you have no self respect?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Yes!

The papers have stopped calling me about our argument; they're too busy bothering Neville and Pansy. My plan is working!

* * *

To: Entire Ministry

From: Susan Bones, Minister of Magic

Subject: (none)

I am pleased to announce that Blaise Zabini, our former head of security, has been transferred into our muggle relations department, as Mr. Zabini has always had an ambition to "embrace his inner muggle and shake his booty about."

I am unclear as to what he means by this, but I'm sure Mr. Zabini will be thoroughly welcomed to the department by his fellow co-workers Mr. Draco Malfoy and Miss. Hermione Granger.

I would also like to congratulate Miss. Parkinson on her new baby, but must ask Miss. Weasley to stop talking about it and get to work. I want that report on my desk by lunchtime, Weasley.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Blaise

Draco, why is Blaise playing with a toy car? I need him to investigate the exploding toilet down on Windemere Avenue! Why isn't he listening to me? Is he deaf? He's your friend, right? Could you tell him to go do it, please?

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Blaise

Blaise is used to working in security. They sit around all day and eat doughnuts. You'll need to give him a few days to adjust. And once he's adjusted, he still won't do anything. And, no, he's not my friend. He's a lazy git who kept stealing all my girlfriends in Hogwarts. I'd watch out if I were you.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Blaise

Is that why he keeps staring at my legs? And you only had one girlfriend in Hogwarts, Draco, and Pansy was a perfect little lapdog.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Blaise

That's what you think. I saw them in the shower room!

* * *

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: Minister

What report? Did you read her email? I can't give her a report by lunch! I haven't written it! I don't even remember being told about it! What am I gonna do?

* * *

To: Draco

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Blaise

Draco, did I just hear a sniff? Are you CRYING?

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: Re: Minister

It was the piece on "Why Penguins are pure evil and are someday going to destroy the South Pole with muggle wands called laser guns." Ask Harry, he did some research for you.

* * *

To: Hermione

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Blaise

I was re-living it. It was a very emotional time for me.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Penguins

What do you know about evil penguins?

* * *

**SexKitten: **Hi.

**Ginny: **Hey. Who is this?

**SexKitten: **It's not important.

**Ginny: **Well if it's not important, then go away. I have penguin issues right now.

_Ginny has logged off._

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Penguins

Attached: ,

Voila. If you need any more help, let me know babe.

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: Penguins

Don't you babe me. Penguins don't make up for anything.

* * *

To: Draco

From: Pansy

Subject: Nevie

Nevie hasn't replied to my email, and it's been HOURS. He doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby, does he? Omg, I'm going to be a single mother. I'm going to have to live in a TRAILER PARK.

* * *

To: Parkinson

From: D. Malfoy

Subject: Re: Nevie

Pansy, single mothers don't live in trailer parks. Well, some might, but not many. Besides, I don't think there ARE any trailer parks in Britain. You're not American white trash, Pans. Anyway, you've got a good job and your daddy's trust fund to keep you going. Stop trying to get me to feel sorry for you and GO AWAY.

* * *

**SexKitten: **Ginny, listen, it's really important.

**Ginny: **What do you want?

**SexKitten: **I need to talk to you about Harry. I read in the paper about your argument. Is it about what happened at the Malfoy's party?

**Ginny: **Him making out with some slut? Yeah. WHY? Did you see who it was?

**SexKitten: **Yeah. Gin, it was me.

**Ginny: **OMG! I should've guessed with a name like SexKitten! You're just some BLONDE BIMBO-Y SLUT aren't you? I KNEW IT! You're blonde, aren't you? With huge boobs? Well I'm SORRY if I'm only a 32B, but I would be OUT OF PROPORTION if I was any bigger. But if Harry wants a girlfriend who FALLS OVER cos her chest is SO FUCKING BIG then, fine. HAVE HIM, YOU OVER INFLATED WHORE!

**SexKitten: **Ginny, I just wanted to say that Harry loves you. As soon as _I_ kissed _HIM_, he pushed me away. Please don't break up with him because I took advantage of him in his intoxicated state.

**Ginny: **…Well, that's very nice of you to say.

**SexKitten: **You will forgive him, won't you? You're such a great couple.

**Ginny: **Then why did you kiss him if you like us both so much?

**SexKitten: **I was pretty drunk too, and I've had a crush on Harry in forever. Since Hogwarts. Ever since this one time I couldn't sleep in our dorm, and so I was just watching him sleep like a beautiful, porcelain angel…

**Ginny: **Ew, over dramatic much? Wait…"our dorm?" You were in Harry's dorm? You're a…GUY?

**SexKitten: **Um. Yes. But Harry didn't know that. At least, I don't think he did. I mean, I was in drag. I often dress up, I just love being in heels, they make me feel so leggy and gorgeous. And if you're gonna wear heels, you might as well wear a wig, a dress and make-up too.

**Ginny: **OMG!Who the hell is this?

**SexKitten: **It's Seamus. Seamus Finnigan.

**Ginny: **OH MY GOD!

**SexKitten: **Ginny, there's something else.

**Ginny: **Oh, God, there's more?

**SexKitten: **Well, I've been thinking. It's time for me to settle down and…well…is Ron single?

**Ginny: **…yes.

**SexKitten: **Would it be ok if I asked him out? I mean, I need your permission first; I wouldn't want to do anything to spoil our friendship. Anything else, I mean.

**Ginny: **No, it's fine. Ron could do with a relationship to get him out of his current psychotic thought processes.

**SexKitten: **Cool. Great. Thanks, Ginny.

**Ginny: **Erm, yeah…no probs. Cya Seamus...

_Ginny has logged off._

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Idiot

YOU KISSED SEAMUS!

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: Idiot

No I didn't. Seamus is a guy! I kissed an extremely ugly girl (not a patch on you, honeybun) called Sylvina Titties!

* * *

To: Nevie

From: Pansy

Subject: Hello?

Nevie, please don't ignore me! I know marriage seems a little hasty, but it's the right thing to do! But it's ok if you want to take it slow. I'll understand. Just don't give up on us baby!

Love,

Pansy

xoxox

* * *

To: Neville

From: Grandma Longbottom

Subject: Neville, answer me at once.

Neville, answer me at once. You've got a lot of explaining to regarding this Parkinson woman. She rang the house earlier, looking for you. She sounded _dreadfully_ common.

* * *

To: Entire Ministry; Wizarding News Network

From: Sex-bomb Longbottom

Subject: GO AWAY!

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP EMAILING/CALLING/OWLING ME! I DO NOT WANT AN INTERVIEW WITH ANY NEWSPAPER AND I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU PANSY BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY AND ANNOYING.

THIS IS A VERY STRESSFUL TIME IN MY LIFE AND I'M SCARED AND I WANT TO GO HOME BUT MY GRANDMA IS EVIL AND THERE ARE REPORTERS AROUND MY PIMP APARTMENT.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH A HOOKER BUT THEY ARE ALL SCARED I'M GONNA GET THEM UP THE DUFF AND SO I HAVE NO WAY TO RELEASE THIS BUILT UP TENSION AND IT SUCKS.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FATHER BECAUSE I LIKE BEING A PIMP AND A HORNY MAN AND SO I AM GOING TO NEW YORK BECAUSE THEY SEEM VERY NICE THERE AND FRIENDS IS MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW AND IT SUCKS THAT IT ENDED. BRING ON A REUNION EPISODE!

PANSY I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T SUPPORT YOU AND PROVIDE YOU WITH THE FAMILY ATMOSPHERE THAT YOU DESERVE. I PROMISE TO PAY YOU REGULARLY TO HELP YOU LOOK AFTER THE BABY.

GRANDMA, IT IS YOU WHO BRINGS SHAME TO THE FAMILY BY WEARING UGLY HATS AND SLEEPING WITH SNAPE ON A REGULAR BASIS. I THINK IT IS DISGUSTING WHAT YOU WILL DO FOR FREE HAIR SPRAY.

MALFOY, I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T GET RID OF PANSY FOR YOU BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL DO FINE ON YOUR OWN. I HOPE YOU MARRY HERMIONE BECAUSE SHE IS A VERY NICE LADY AND ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE SANE ENOUGH TO RESIST MY ADVANCES.

HARRY, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE AND STUFF AND IF YOU EVER COME TO NEW YORK THEN FEEL FREE TO LOOK ME UP.

ZABINI, I'M SORRY I SLEPT WITH PANSY EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU LIKED HER. I'M ALSO SORRY THAT I TOLD EVERYONE IN THIS EMAIL. I'M NOT THAT SORRY THOUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLYTHERIN AND YOU WERE MEAN TO ME IN SCHOOL.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY GOODBYE TO EVERYONE WHO EVER LIKED ME AND I WILL MISS YOU ALL.

HAPPY SHAGGING,

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM.

* * *

To: Drakie

From: Pansy

Subject: OMG

The father of my baby has LOST THE PLOT! He's a nutter! And he's abandoning me to go to New York! And he has an incessant need to use capslock! And talks kind of likes he's stoned. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

* * *

**PaNsY: **Nevie, don't you DARE even THINK about going to New York!

**NBomb: **I'm sorry Pansy. But what did I tell you about leaving me alone?

**Sex-on-legs: **Neville, you're being a twerp.

**NBomb: **Piss off, Malfoy.

**Herm: **Neville, you can't just abandon your baby like this.

**Ginny: **I don't blame him. Who'd want to have a baby with HER?

**Herm: **I little harsh, Gin.

**Lightning: **I think Ginny is COMPLETELY right.

**Ginny: **Stop sucking up to me, Harry.

**Lightning: **What's this about me kissing Seamus, anyway?

**Ginny: **Oh. Well, you did. He told me. He was in drag.

**SexKitten: **Sorry, Harry. I took advantage of you.

**Lightning: **I feel so violated!

**GrannyLongbottom: **Neville, how dare you publicly embarrass me?

**SexySevy: **And to be fair, it's not just free hair spray. I also give her the smoothing serum.

**Sex-on-legs: **How the hell did you people get in here?

**LovelyLucius: **Don't talk to your godfather like that, Draco.

**Sex-on-legs: **DAD?

**Lucius: **Severus, what has gotten into you? Augusta Longbottom?

**SexySevy: **She's very flexible for her age.

**NBomb: **Oh, God, I didn't need to know that.

**PaNsY: **I'm very flexible too, Nevie. Do you like that in a woman? I'll flex any way you like if you'll just do the right thing!

**Lightning: **C'mon, Nev, do the right thing! Put your gryffindor socks on!

**Sex-on-legs: **What kind of expression is THAT?

**BZab: **I think if Neville wants to go far, far, away, he should.

**Sex-on-legs: **You just want Pansy all for yourself.

**PaNsY: **I'm ok with that! Blaise, wanna come down to my office for a bit of…afternoon tea?

**NBomb: **See? You don't need me after all.

**PaNsY: **STAY WHERE YOU ARE. We'll call you a back-up.

**BZab: **I'll be there in five, sugarplum.

_BZab has logged off_.

**PaNsY: **Ooh, goody. He's rich, right?

**Sex-on-legs: **Pansy-you're rich anyway! It doesn't matter!

**PaNsY: **But you can never have enough money! Ooh, Blaise is here! Yay!

_PaNsY has logged off._

**NBomb: **Yes! Cya peoples! Wish me luck taming the sexy ladies of NYC!

_NBomb has logged off_.

Next: The final chapter! Whee! Yeah, this one sucked. Maybe the next one will be better.

And also: wish me luck! I'm aiming to go to the Lavender Brown auditions next week. You can give me your good tidings in the form of a review wheeeeeeeeee! I had very few last week! Give me mooooooooore!

Also, I've made a new fanfiction awards site! The url can be found on my profile, so go check it out!


	10. Happily Ever After

**I really, really hate this chapter. I may completely redo it at some point. But for now, this is how it ends. **

**Chapter Ten**

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: So...

So now I have been humiliated about kissing drag queens on the Ministry IM, am I forgiven?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: So…

…Maybe.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: H. Potter

Subject: Re: So…

Really? And, um, where do we stand on the bathroom situation?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: So…

Don't push it.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: So…

-sigh- Fine. What about the kitchen? I've been reading some interesting articles recently…

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: So…

NO.

* * *

To: Ginny

From: Harry

Subject: Re: So…

Fine. Are you still my date for the Summer Dance the Ministry's holding tomorrow?

* * *

To: Harry

From: Ginny

Subject: Re: So…

I'm going shopping with Hermione beforehand. I'll meet you there at 8.

* * *

**SUMMER SOLSTICE DANCE**

_**The Ministry want you to let your hair down…but be on time for work on Monday!**_

"God," Draco said, "That banner is cheesy."

"Burn it to the ground!" Ginny giggled happily from her spot on the floor, waving her glass aggressively so the fluid inside flowed dangerously to the edge.

"Can you help me get her up?" Hermione panted, struggling to drag Ginny's body off the ground.

"Ginny?" A voice said incredulously behind them, "What happened?"

Hermione turned round to give Harry a brief smile, before telling him grimly, "Blaise spiked the punch."

"Blaise is a funny name," Ginny said, swinging her arms round Harry's neck. "Blaaaaaaaaaise….Buh-llllllllllaise…Blaiiiiiise…."

"Hey," Harry said delightedly. "You're…touching me!"

"I luff you," Ginny murmured happily into the crook of his neck. "But you were very naughty." She slapped him lightly on the cheek, "But it's ok….because Seamus is a boooooy."

"Wow," Draco remarked. "She can really handle her alcohol, huh?"

Hermione smacked him on the arm, "Ssh. I seem to remember you falling in the pool at our engagement party after one pineapple cocktail."

"I didn't _fall_. I was _pushed_." He replied indignantly. "Parkinson was pissed."

"How is Pansy?" Hermione asked. "Has she got to New York yet?"

"Left yesterday." Draco responded, "I heard Neville got given a heads-up by some stewardness he joined the Mile High Club with during his flight. He's heading to Vegas to escape."

"Very Gryffindor of him," Hermione replied with a smile.

"You're one to talk, Miss Engagement Scam." Draco smirked, before whispering softly in her ear, "Come dance with me."

He led her to the dance floor by the hand, and swept her in his arms as a new song began.

"Where did Potter and the drunken fool go?" He asked as they moved to the music. His response came from Seamus, who was trying out a modern foxtrot with a clean shaven, piercing-free Ron. Breaking free from their embrace, Seamus turned to Draco to inform him, "I think they locked themselves in the mens bathroom a while ago."

"Finally," Draco muttered. "The ducks will leave me alone."

"I heard they were going to have duck theme for their wedding, get everyone to dress up…" Hermione smiled mischievously.

"Oh, God," Draco groaned. "Stop talking."

"Make me," Hermione lifted her head up towards his with a smile.

"Gladly," he replied with a similar smile, bending down to press his lips firmly against hers.

* * *

Dear Ms. Granger,

It is with regret that you close your account with '**Lonely Hearts Anonymous' **and I hope you have found your membership beneficial to your love life. I wish you all the luck in the future.

Yours sincerely,

G. Lockhart

Founder of Lonely Hearts Anonymous

* * *

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

It is with regret that you close your account with '**Lonely Hearts Anonymous' **and I hope you have found your membership beneficial to your love life. I wish you all the luck in the future. (And if it doesn't work out, give me a call you sexy blonde thing, you!)

Yours sincerely,

G. Lockhart

Founder of Lonely Hearts Anonymous

* * *

And it's finished! It's finished!

Also, I just read HP7. I would like to say 'OMG! HOW COULD SHE?' about certain things, 'YAY' about one thing (although OMGZ, CHEESE! about something related to that one thing), and there was also a line in there about poisonous ducks which amused me due to the duck themage of this fic.

Also, I'd really love a bajillion reviews for this. That would be awesome. Whee! Get me to...1000!


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